|We poison ourselves with the wrong food, then try to mitigate the painful consequences of our folly by poisoning ourselves still further with drugs.'' - Aldous Huxley|
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I'm 44, never been married, and I have had to watch all aspects of my life slowly but inexorably be destroyed by mental illness of one description or another since I was about 10 years old. When I was about 14 my father 'threatened' to send me to a psychiatrist due to my lack of attendance at school and my failing to come home for a couple of days at a time. He made me feel as though having 'problems' was something I should be ashamed of, ironically, he forgot to tell me he was (apparently) seeing a psychiatrist at the same time! I sometimes wonder how different my life could have been if I had sought help back then. I've never really had what you could call close friends, for some reason I've always preferred to be alone, although sometimes I do get lonely.
I left school at 17, at the start of studying for 'A' levels and joined the army, the plan being to transfer to Ordanance Corps for bomb disposal, that way I could blow myself up, and be a hero! Two birds with one stone as they say. Well, for one reason or another that didn't work out as planned!
I have spent my whole life feeling like I need to run away, although never being able to understand what I was running from, and where ever I went it was still there, haunting me.
It feels as though this life has been planned out for me, only being able to hold down jobs long enough to learn whatever lesson I needed, whether it be a bit of hydraulics or structural resonance from my time in engineering jobs, or systems analysis from my (failed) attempt at a software programming course in college.
I have recently started trying to justify all the 'pain' by telling myself that if I hadn't lived it, I could never have come up with this theory.
Read Jon's Resonance Theory.
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